Friday, July 6, 2012

The Commencement of Human-to-Whale Metamorphosis and the Effect it has on My Fragile Psyche

The commencement of human-to-whale metamorphosis and the Effect it has on my fragile psyche...

Week of Pregnancy: 15
Fruit to Fetus Comparison: Large Lemon -  between 50 – 70 grams. Also, his/her legs are no longer tooth-picky! Yay!
Cravings: Fricking junk food. God dammit I am trying so hard to be healthyyyyyy!
Aversions: Squishy fruit and eggs... okay not really ‘aversions’, I just don’t want to eat them. Also, taking my pre-natal vitamin, fish-oil tablet and inner-health plus thingy make me gag.
Husband’s excitement metre: Back to the telling me to shut up about baby names. Jealous that I am on holidays (for another few days) and can take naps every afternoon. YEAH NANA NAPS!

Okay – so the beginning of my human-to-whale metamorphosis is starting. There is a bump. A BUMP! And not just a fat bump (though that’s there too, on top of the baby-bump)!  THERE’S A BABY IN THERE! I can no longer fit in my jeans. Stockings hurt and make it hard to breathe as they crush everything together while trying to make me skinnier. My shirts all make me look podgy, and, to be honest, I kind of am. I still haven't gained much weight (a total of 1.5kgs in 15 weeks!), but I assume I'll be gaining a lot more in the coming months. It's definitely baby weight - it's all in the tummy, very little (extra) on the butt/thigh region, and an immense amount of mass on my copious bust. My bras don't fit (just to make you feel uncomfortable). And very few places stock attractive looking, non-beige, larger-bust bras. Am not looking forward to breast feeding, for fear of crushing my child. (Can this happen? Is this possible?! Please clarify!)

Though sometimes I wonder if I just ate a lot of cookies (which I have been doing lately – and feeling very ashamed), mostly I am having mixed feelings of excitement (YAY! New life, baby joy and all that jazz) and terror (holy crap there’s something growing in my UTERUS! GET IT OUT GET IT OUT GET IT OUT!!) which is quite exhausting.

This week, my energy is back, which I have considered to be a side effect of the weight/mass gain. It is my way of saying 'I"M STILL USEFUL! Don't count me out yet! I may be pregnant but I can still contribute to society! Just because I struggle to button my jeans doesn't mean I can't think, dammit!"

Everyone keeps telling me (midwife included) don’t overdo it - this will wane after the second trimester! Listen to your body! 

Well... I’m listening and all that happens is a packet of cookies is suddenly empty and I’m considering buying a dilapitated house just to have something to 'fix' (though I'm sure the boredom will cease when school goes back on Monday). 

Is this a sign of things to come? Will I be one of ‘those’ mums that begin to write polls on what to have for dinner, or experiments with making different types of cabbage soup? If/when this happens, I give you permission to slap me.

So, yes, going a little insane from my diagnosis of ‘confinement’ – which means 'pregnancy' in olden-day terms when they locked women away to hide their 'condition' from society –but I feel that has mostly to do with the fact that it is holidays. I am no longer allowed to drink away my boredom with friends, but instead must be said designated driver for friends/husband. Which is no problem, really, except I get bored really easily and alcohol has a way of making you forget you’re bored a lot of the time.  I miss Moscato. So, instead, I got busy. I have so far
  • made two tutus
  • read The Hunger Games series
  •  written a new song
  • gone for too many hot-chocolates at the local coffee shop
  •  planted eight new plants into pots on my front veranda
  •  re-arranged and cleaned the house, made a batch of scones and several home-cooked meals from scratch (which are a rarity during term time) And;
  •  watched too many cancelled TV shows (How is Jersey Shore still going into season 5, and Firefly was cancelled?!? Oh the humanity!)
  •  all while knitting too many scarves.
In between, in moments where I planned my next energetic project, I have been trolling internet sites for interesting things to keep me entertained;
·         And have been comparing my life to the People of Walmart photographs, and have felt comparatively better about my figure and dress sense. At least I don’t wear flesh-coloured bike shorts.

So, yes, now I should probably go and, oh, I don’t know, plan all my lessons for the term. Sounds like a plan...

Just so you all know, I’m sure this newfound burst of energy will go on FOREVER!! FOREVER I TELL YOU! Pregnant women are never tired!


Rhona in Denial.


  1. Drop me a line (when you get there!) about Breastfeeding with big boobs. The Spawns had was significantly smaller then by boobs for quite a while. Lol.

  2. LOL! This is what I'm afraid of! Child crushing busts!

    Thanks Pip! Will do! xx


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